a pondering pootle

I realised the other day that it’s over a year since I last wrote anything. Well strictly speaking that’s not entirely true, I have reams and reams of notes – so many that my phone is constantly popping up with that annoying ‘storage almost full’ message – so why have none of these musings that I jot down in my phone to write about ‘another day’ materialised into any regular posts on my blog that I so bravely launched (with an entry aptly entitled ‘being brave’)? To be honest there have been so many times I’ve thought about writing something but I’ve been quick to excuse myself with ‘I don’t have time’ ‘I can’t think about anything else right now’ etc. and actually I’ve convinced myself of the credibility of such excuses given my busy life and all I have going on. But in reality that’s all they are – excuses. The real reason I haven’t made time to write, when I’m honest with myself, is driven by the expectation of perfection that I place upon myself – convincing myself before I even begin, that to write something to the standard I expect of myself, although not impossible, will require so much more of me than I have the capacity to produce right now. So, instead of being free to write from the heart, the fear in my head of it not being good enough stops me from even trying. 

The penny dropped recently when an opportunity presented itself to me to potentially step into something new, something I know I have the skills and gifting for but something that scared the living day lights out of me because if I do it I will want to do it well. I began to feel fear (something that by and large has become a much more distant thing in my life as I’ve journeyed more and more into freedom this past couple of years). Why does something that I’m so passionate about and know I am gifted in have such an ability to become a place for fear to come knocking? 

Perfectionism is exhausting if you let it reign, it’s also restricting, brings shame and robs you of the joy of freedom. More often than not the expectation of perfection is something we place upon ourselves and not the expectation that others have of us. Perfectionism pervades everything if you let it, including your relationships. You want to be a perfect wife, perfect mum, perfect friend – a continual cycle of expectations you set for yourself that you can’t possibly always achieve. Then, the irony is, you set yourself up to fail – trying to maintain a standard that others come to see as the norm & and then, through your own doing, come to expect of you. Here begins the continual striving to keep it up and the self-inflicted shame you feel when you fail and feel like you’re letting people down.

I had a realisation the other day that sometimes I even try to do perfectionism perfectly! By that I mean I recognise it’s pros and cons and set out to perfectly exercise all of the good of the personality trait whilst attempting to perfectly manage and be free of the fear that it drives if I let it. The reality is, perfectionism is futile because there’s only ever been one perfect person to walk this earth and it certainly isn’t me! I think it’s worthwhile at this point to draw the distinction between the desire to do things well and perfectionism. For me I feel one is a a matter of the heart – to be a person of integrity who wants to do things well, to commit to do whatever you do with all your heart. The other I feel is a head issue, driven by things such as wanting to achieve, perform, not fail, to not look stupid, to look good, to be approved of. 

In my last post I pondered the thought of the journey being the destination; I’m learning what that means. Here it means transformation is the aim and not a destination of perfection. I’m always more inspired by how someone deals with their imperfections rather than someone who is [trying to be] perfect. For me freedom from perfectionism is a matter of full abandonment. I am realising more and more how much pride can be a part of my life if I don’t live in a place of continually surrendering myself. By pride I don’t necessarily mean I’m a proud person who likes to show off, if anything I’m likely to think I’ve done a worse job of something than I actually have. The kind of pride I’m referring to usually shows up as some kind of fear – ‘what if I fail?’ ‘What if I can’t do it?’ ‘What if I let someone down?’ ‘What if I look stupid?’ All these things are rooted in ‘me’ and my ability – pride makes it all about me and whether ‘I’ can do it when actually all that is expected is that I lay down my pride and give my everything. When I give myself and nothing less, the goal posts change, the self-imposed expectation of perfection leaves and is replaced by the realisation that the only requirement is obedience. This is all I can give and will always be the only expectation. This is a place where freedom exists, where striving ceases and joy replaces fear. So now is the time to quit striving for something that is unattainable and to stop letting fear of not being perfect prevent me from taking the risk…