a pondering pootle

This week I’ve been processing a lot of things – as I know many of us have. I’ve pondered long and hard about whether to share some of those thing here. I feel like there’s so much to express and words often don’t feel enough but I need to speak and let some of this stuff breathe. It’s been over two years since I wrote anything here and, having just read it back, I realise that my first ever post ‘Being Brave’ is just as true to me now as it was back then! So I’m choosing not to keep this all sitting in the notes section of my phone, never to see the light of day – like so many of the ponderings sitting in the backlog!

Here goes…

I see Colour as God’s design and a display his creativity. God made creation is all it’s glory a colourful masterpiece. To deny to see colour diminishes God’s divine creativity and the fact that he looked at His creation in all its glory and beauty and said “it is good”. So of course we should recognise colour in the beautiful diversity of the human race – a display of God’s workmanship.

In the Bible, Colossians 3, talks about our identity as followers of Jesus – hidden in Christ, we have put on a ‘new self’ which is “being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (v.10)  It goes on to say “here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all” (v.11)  I have heard people interpret this as God not ‘seeing’ difference or diversity – eg. difference in colour. Personally I don’t believe this is the right interpretation. For me this passage is about our identity in the kingdom of God, our identity in Christ – it’s about our value and our standing before God. It is not saying in the kingdom of God a person’s uniqueness and difference it lost. It is saying we are all equal and included. As the Message translation of the Bible puts it we are “…defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.”

We are all made in God’s image and we are all his children. With our identity secure through Jesus, we all have equal standing  – whatever our background, status, sex or race. However, part of being made in God’s image is that we are all created different. As a human race we reflect his creativity and this is a beautiful thing and most definitely something to be seen, in awe of and wowed by. Diversity is something to be celebrated, every person is their own unique reflection of God’s design; ethnicity, gifts, talents, passions and personality – as God himself said “IT IS GOOD”.

You only have to take a walk in nature to see the beauty of creation. I certainly don’t take a walk in a woodland full of different flowers and say “look at all these flowers that look the same aren’t they beautiful”. I admire the variation and beauty of each one. I also wouldn’t say “I don’t see that robin’s stunning red breast or that kingfisher’s stunning blue wings – I just see two birds that are the same” I admire each one for its uniqueness and beauty. So why on earth would I say that about human beings who are all the more amazing because they are God’s very own image bearers?! I’m not colourblind – I celebrate the beauty of colour in all of God’s creation.

In regard to the ‘either or’ question of the statements “all lives matter” -v- “black lives matter”.  In my opinion they are not mutually exclusive – I believe it’s a case of  ‘both and’.

By this I mean: Of course as Gods children, made in his image, all life is sacred & we are all made equal and every human being deserves to be treated accordingly. We all matter to God and we should all matter to each other. Oppression is wrong in all its forms and we must stand against it and be a voice for justice. All lives matter because all life is sacred and no life is more valuable than another. However for our black brothers and sisters this absolute truth has not been their lived experience. This is an injustice. They have lived, & sadly still do live, in a world where they have been denied that fundamental truth as an experienced reality in their lives. So, when we say “Black Lives Matter” we are making a statement that that we acknowledge this travesty and injustice and making a stand to say that their lives absolutely DO matter!

I am also at this point reminded of a great analogy I heard recently. If a parent of several children has one who is stung by a bee. The parent gathers around the one hurting and cares for that one, caring for him/her and giving them the treatment and attention they deserve. This of course does not mean the parent loves or cares for the other children less – but it would be ludicrous if the mum/dad was to say “well you all matter to me in equal measure so let me give you all the same focus and attention and care in this moment”. Our black brothers and sisters are hurting right now and I will stand with them and acknowledge their pain and fight against injustice because ‘black lives matter’.

Finally, my thoughts about social media…

Over several years now in our household conversations we’ve used this really helpful framework I discovered a while back. I believe it’s a useful concept to apply to the social media context of conversation too.

It’s been especially useful for us as a family during lockdown when we’ve found ourselves processing emotions together in a crowded, often noisy, environment.

I’d encourage you to THINK before you speak – post or comment – at this time. 

T – Is it true? Not just ‘true’ to you, but is it actually TRUTH.

H – Is it helpful?

I – Is it inspiring?

N – Is it necessary? Just because you have an opinion is it the right time or place to share it?

K – Is it KIND? The most important question of them all in my opinion.

Experience tells me that people are braver on social media and say stuff that they wouldn’t necessarily say to someone personally in the ‘real’ face to face world. It can be an amazing platform for good and provide a voice for those unheard but It’s also easy to post in a second, often emotionally driven, without considering our heart motive – what we are saying, why we are saying it, how are we saying it and even if it needs to be said at all. I’ve been guilty of this and I am trying to do better.

I am witnessing first hand as my husband Dave processes these painful realities we are faced with currently and truly it is heartbreaking. Please choose empathy, please choose to seek understanding, please be quick to listen and slow to speak. A persons story is their truth, don’t deny it, witness it and hear it – it takes courage and bravery to be vulnerable. Please choose kindness and love. I by no means have this sussed, far from it, but I am committed to learning.  These are just my own personal ponderings and I hope they might be helpful to others in some small way. 

When our hearts are broken over one issue of injustice it opens our eyes to the reality of all of the brokenness that surrounds us. There are so many issues of injustice in our world, injustice and oppression in all its forms are not ok. It would be easy to feel overwhelmed or become indifferent as a way of coping but we have a hope.

As we pray for Gods kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven we know that “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of [God’s] throne; love and faithfulness go before [Him].” Psalm 89:14

These are painful times, but as well as the pain, I am also witnessing first hand the beautiful healing that begins to happen when we engage in honest conversation. When we choose to ‘see’ others and let their voice be heard as they share their story. Amongst the pain I sense a stirring of hope being birthed that I believe is being breathed upon by the Holy Spirit.

I’ve recently been reminded of a Matt Redman song about revival we used to sing, in particular these lyrics below:

“We’re looking to your promise of old, That if we pray and humble ourselves, You will come and heal our land, You will come…Send revival, start with me”

It has to start there. I can honestly say holding a mirror up and taking a good look inside yourself is often not comfortable – but it is needed – it will also be life changing, healing and freeing, if we’ll choose to humble ourselves in the process.

“Don’t do NOTHING, because you can’t do EVERYTHING. Do SOMETHING…” (Colleen Patrick-Goudreau)

Last month we had our Annual Fostering Review and we were approved as a fostering family for another year.

We started out our fostering journey offering support to a friend who is a foster carer. Before long we started to seriously look at becoming full time foster carers ourselves. Without a spare room and no way of extending or moving home we were frustrated that we couldn’t do more.

At the time we used to often refer to ourselves in conversations as ‘just’ support carers. Without realising it at the time, we felt that if we couldn’t do it all that it was somehow less significant. We realise now it was a completely self-imposed undervaluing of what we are doing. SUPPORT MATTERS and makes a difference in so many ways. Recently even more people we know have taken up the challenge of becoming foster carers, maybe it’s something you could consider or maybe, like us, you have a part to play in supporting those that do.

The thing is, “Just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do what you can!” (William J Clinton)

Also, just because something isn’t usually done, doesn’t mean it can’t be done! Our approval isn’t the norm and we’ve had to be persistent at times to help people see what could be done rather than what couldn’t. But in not giving up, despite not having a spare room, we have become fully approved foster carers – offering daytime support, peripatetic support (staying in the carers home) and overnight care for children for whom a room sharing agreement is appropriate.

We get to share in the lives of some very special, amazing, resilient young people. It’s not always easy and sometimes it costs. But, it is a privilege beyond words to get to play our part in their story and there is great joy as we see them discover their true identity and worth.

I realised the other day that it’s over a year since I last wrote anything. Well strictly speaking that’s not entirely true, I have reams and reams of notes – so many that my phone is constantly popping up with that annoying ‘storage almost full’ message – so why have none of these musings that I jot down in my phone to write about ‘another day’ materialised into any regular posts on my blog that I so bravely launched (with an entry aptly entitled ‘being brave’)? To be honest there have been so many times I’ve thought about writing something but I’ve been quick to excuse myself with ‘I don’t have time’ ‘I can’t think about anything else right now’ etc. and actually I’ve convinced myself of the credibility of such excuses given my busy life and all I have going on. But in reality that’s all they are – excuses. The real reason I haven’t made time to write, when I’m honest with myself, is driven by the expectation of perfection that I place upon myself – convincing myself before I even begin, that to write something to the standard I expect of myself, although not impossible, will require so much more of me than I have the capacity to produce right now. So, instead of being free to write from the heart, the fear in my head of it not being good enough stops me from even trying. 

The penny dropped recently when an opportunity presented itself to me to potentially step into something new, something I know I have the skills and gifting for but something that scared the living day lights out of me because if I do it I will want to do it well. I began to feel fear (something that by and large has become a much more distant thing in my life as I’ve journeyed more and more into freedom this past couple of years). Why does something that I’m so passionate about and know I am gifted in have such an ability to become a place for fear to come knocking? 

Perfectionism is exhausting if you let it reign, it’s also restricting, brings shame and robs you of the joy of freedom. More often than not the expectation of perfection is something we place upon ourselves and not the expectation that others have of us. Perfectionism pervades everything if you let it, including your relationships. You want to be a perfect wife, perfect mum, perfect friend – a continual cycle of expectations you set for yourself that you can’t possibly always achieve. Then, the irony is, you set yourself up to fail – trying to maintain a standard that others come to see as the norm & and then, through your own doing, come to expect of you. Here begins the continual striving to keep it up and the self-inflicted shame you feel when you fail and feel like you’re letting people down.

I had a realisation the other day that sometimes I even try to do perfectionism perfectly! By that I mean I recognise it’s pros and cons and set out to perfectly exercise all of the good of the personality trait whilst attempting to perfectly manage and be free of the fear that it drives if I let it. The reality is, perfectionism is futile because there’s only ever been one perfect person to walk this earth and it certainly isn’t me! I think it’s worthwhile at this point to draw the distinction between the desire to do things well and perfectionism. For me I feel one is a a matter of the heart – to be a person of integrity who wants to do things well, to commit to do whatever you do with all your heart. The other I feel is a head issue, driven by things such as wanting to achieve, perform, not fail, to not look stupid, to look good, to be approved of. 

In my last post I pondered the thought of the journey being the destination; I’m learning what that means. Here it means transformation is the aim and not a destination of perfection. I’m always more inspired by how someone deals with their imperfections rather than someone who is [trying to be] perfect. For me freedom from perfectionism is a matter of full abandonment. I am realising more and more how much pride can be a part of my life if I don’t live in a place of continually surrendering myself. By pride I don’t necessarily mean I’m a proud person who likes to show off, if anything I’m likely to think I’ve done a worse job of something than I actually have. The kind of pride I’m referring to usually shows up as some kind of fear – ‘what if I fail?’ ‘What if I can’t do it?’ ‘What if I let someone down?’ ‘What if I look stupid?’ All these things are rooted in ‘me’ and my ability – pride makes it all about me and whether ‘I’ can do it when actually all that is expected is that I lay down my pride and give my everything. When I give myself and nothing less, the goal posts change, the self-imposed expectation of perfection leaves and is replaced by the realisation that the only requirement is obedience. This is all I can give and will always be the only expectation. This is a place where freedom exists, where striving ceases and joy replaces fear. So now is the time to quit striving for something that is unattainable and to stop letting fear of not being perfect prevent me from taking the risk…

Having not long returned from my second visit to North Wales in recent months, I have been reflecting upon experiences I’ve had whilst there. I was looking back over photos from both visits and came across these beautiful ones of Harlech beach. What made these stand out wasn’t just the stunning view but the memory of the long journey we had to undertake to find it walking through the difficult sand dune terrain. It got me thinking of the times in my life when I have had to trust that the view at the end will be worth the journey. It also got me thinking that it’s not all about the view at the end either, but that actually there is purpose in the journey itself. What also made the view so amazing was the journey we had to make to get there. There was something about the fact that we’d had to fight for it & search for it, the perseverance needed to get there and the help & encouragement we offered each other along the way that made it even more amazing.

It’s often said that “Life isn’t about the destination but the journey” as if we should live for the journey, not the destination at all. I however think the destination is important. Hope and anticipation of what is to come, where we are headed, the purpose of the journey gives us what we need to keep going and makes the journey worthwhile.

Dan Eldon says “the journey is the destination” and I find this an interesting thought. It got me thinking that maybe the destination isn’t so much a place but rather a ‘state’, or a process, that maybe “life is a journey, not so much to a destination, but a transformation.” (Jim Britts) What if the glorious view we can anticipate is us as transformed, free individuals? What if, when our outward circumstances don’t match up with our expectations and the view we were hoping for, they’re not meant to be our focus or view in the first place? Maybe instead we should be living for the journey and making it count.

Living for the journey is easier to do when things are going well and life is fun but what about when the going gets tough, when we’re trudging through the sand dunes, not getting anywhere fast, not even sure of where we are going and if it’s even worth it. Sometimes we can’t see it for ourselves, sometimes we have to trust what we’ve been told about the view and the beauty of the place towards which we are travelling. What kept us going? The fact that we trusted what we had been told by the locals we chatted to at the start of the journey “it is the best beach you’ll ever see, it’s so worth the walk”. That was enough to keep us going (also the fact that we were in it together and we helped each other along the way). There was no hint of turning back, we didn’t really know what to expect and therefore had no specific expectations (which actually removed the risk of disappointment). But what we did have was expectancy, we believed and trusted that wherever we ended up, whatever the destination, it would be good.

Our journey may be long or it may be short but I believe that our destination, our purpose, is to make our journey count. This week I’ve been remembering a good friend of ours who died from Cancer two years ago. Before he died he wrote a poem called, ‘Make Every Moment Count’ (MEMC – click here for more) John was a man who made his journey count, to him the journey mattered. He also trusted what he knew about the wonderful view his journey would bring. Since John wrote that poem I’ve thought a lot about how we often say these well known phrases like ‘life is for living’ or ‘you only live once’ without really thinking about what they really mean and often without really acting upon them. What does it look like to really ‘make every moment count’?

Practically it will look different to each individual but I think there are some general characteristics of living to make every moment count. To name a few, I think it starts by living more intentionally. It’s not about getting busier and doing more – it’s about doing stuff that matters – with value driven not goal driven purpose in mind. Discover your passions & what makes you come alive. Know what matters to you and be brave enough to prioritise and make decisions that matter (see my earlier post on ‘Being Brave’) I also believe our lives count when we place a high value on people, when we make a difference to those around us. We aren’t made to journey alone, we are designed to be in connection with others.

The hope of what was coming at the end of our journey that day was just a pale reflection of what actually greeted us as we reached the top of the dunes. In that moment we all ran with abandonment down the sandbanks, full of freedom, relief, joy & exhilaration. There were shouts of “This was SO worth it!” Oh that our lives would more & more reflect this moment – that our journeys are so worth it because we make every moment count along the way.

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on what it means to ‘be brave’. I think this current season has challenged me to see bravery in a new way. I’ve always thought of myself as quite a brave person but I’ve come to realise that my understanding of ‘brave’ has often been limited to just one context.

Life has thrown a fair few challenges my way and I’ve had to be brave & carry on and find a way through – but it’s dawned on me that this understanding of bravery is very reactionary. Something bad or difficult happens and I react to it and usually, on the most part, I respond with bravery & face it. It’s a bit like a child who falls over and as parents we are sometimes quick to say “come on, get up, you’re ok, be brave” – it’s a response to falling over or being hurt. In this sense of the term bravery, I feel I am quite brave indeed.

But what if bravery is also about being pro-active, about deliberately choosing to put ourself into situations that require us to be brave. This is the season I find myself in more and more. I recently did an abseil off an 80ft viaduct and I felt I came alive in a way I hadn’t felt for some time. Was this due to the huge adrenaline rush – I’m sure partly it was – but actually I feel it was more reflective of where I am at in my heart right now. A season of being brave; of stepping out, being brave enough to be myself. Being true to who I really am and my hopes, dreams and passions.

I’ve come to realise that actually at times in my life I haven’t been very brave at all – at times I’ve hidden who I really am, what I really feel. I’ve also had hopes, dreams, passions inside that have all required risk and instead of stepping out I’ve been quick to find an excuse: I’m too busy, I’m too skint, what if I fail, I’ve got too many kids 🙂 Truth be told, whilst some of these reasons may at times be valid – I think we often are less creative with what we’ve got because deep down we want an excuse not to be brave!

If someone asked you today, as someone did to me today, ‘what are you passionate about?’ What would you say? I think many of us may say we don’t actually know – but actually I’m not sure this would be the truth. I think it’s possible we all know what makes us come alive, but for one reason or another so many of us keep it suppressed or buried, for some it’s buried deeper than in others, but it’s there – in our deepest core we all have passions that make us excited, that make us feel alive. I think the reason that we keep these things buried at times is because in acknowledgment therein lies the risk & the need for a response of bravery! To admit they’re there opens up the possibility that we may not be able to fulfil them – the risk of disappointment. To voice them will also pose a challenge to act upon them – we will have to be brave to change some things in our lives in order to fulfil them. So we go back to our everyday lives, with the occasional ‘what if?’ fleeting through our thoughts but never giving much time to properly think about whether there’s more to life & if it could be more exciting!

I think this quote says much of what I’m trying to express…“Look around you and look inside you. How many people do you think are settling? I will tell you: a hell of a lot of people. People are settling every day into okay relationships and okay jobs and an okay life. And do you know why? Because okay is comfortable. Okay pays the bills and gives a warm bed at night and allows one to go out with co-workers on a Friday evening to enjoy happy hour. But do you know what okay is not? Okay isn’t thrilling, it isn’t passion, it isn’t the reason you get up every day; it isn’t life-changing or unforgettable. Okay is not the reason you go to bed late and wake up early. Okay is not the reason you risk absolutely everything you’ve got just for the smallest chance that something absolutely amazing could happen.” http://thoughtcatalog.com/kovie-biakolo/2013/06/your-dreams-have-expiration-dates/

What if the gateway to being fully alive is a decision to ‘be brave’? I heard it said once that “you can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

It’s worth noting that bravery should not be equated with recklessness – responsibility is important & all our actions not only effect ourselves but also those around us; we need to be true to ourselves but not at the expense of others, it isn’t the persuit of selfish ambition. The beauty of bravery is that it doesn’t stop with us as individuals and this is another exciting thing about being brave. What I’ve also come to realise through my observations is that as one person comes alive it’s catching – others start to come alive too. It’s like sparks from a fire spreading. Bravery is contagious! Katherine Center puts it like this “you have to be brave with your life, so that others can be brave with theirs.” 

As I draw to a close, I’m left asking myself the question ‘what would I do if I wasn’t afraid?’ In the words of that well used quote “feel the fear and do it anyway” what would the ‘it’ be for me right now? It also leaves me thinking what if we actually don’t need to feel the fear at all? What if we could truly be fearless. But that’s a thought for another day…